I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
