I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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