Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
