At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
