He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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