I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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