Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
