woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My feet surprised me
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
