The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
