you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
