So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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