his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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