i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
