shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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