this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
