Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
