Apparently you make a good broom.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The power of my boobs compel you
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
