nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
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I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
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But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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