I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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