Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
