No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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