I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm sobbing to NWA
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