I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Remember the time you cried about coconuts