I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
