I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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