Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
