My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Randomize
