you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
