Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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