Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
