Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
