I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
