Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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