I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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