Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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