I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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