i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
