I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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