are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
