Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
