brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
