my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize