Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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