Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
