Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
