yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
God, I missed his penis.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
