Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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