That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
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