I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
