wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
