Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
