I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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