You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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