Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
